As a christian who fears the Lord, I am constantly aware that I am not in control. It is a kind of knowledge that is always somewhere in the back of my mind. Just something I believe.
Yet knowing does me no good, when over time I realize that the I in me has risen once again and is trying to produce results, overturn things, solve things, and make something happen, pushing it to the limit. All on it's own. And when the Realization strikes and I stand helpless, as my futile attempts seem pathetic and desperate in my very own eyes, I look up and say, "I know, I'm trying to do it myself." I have to humble myself and let go, and give way to God to do the work that he has planned for me, within me, around me. I have given way to the fact that I am very much stubborn sometimes and think I can somehow know more or know what's best, when really, He is the one that sees the unseen to me, knows why and what, and has the time for everything. I have to remind myself of the trust in Him, that everything will show itself in it's good time and just ask for strength and patience.
It is not a pleasant thing to stand feeling almost foolish in seeing the truth about myself, (which I've been pushing aside or making possible excuses), knowing exactly what I am actually to do, what I'm called to do, and even sometimes wanting to pout and stamp my foot like a child and say, "But why not?!" in protest...And when I know, I have no choice but to give it up to God for I cannot pretend to not know...The nice thing about it is that the results later down the road are always gratifying.
It's actually a big relief to let go -very freeing. Makes me feel carefree and puts a smile on my face, knowing I don't really have to do anything except 'the good'. Everything else will be taken care of...
I have a massive headache, so now I will go find relief for that!