Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Emotional

So we women can get pretty worked up. Be very emotional. I see a movie that's touching in any way -bawl my eyes out. When it comes to movies, I'm a cryer. Same with great reads. Someone tells me, "I've never seen a boy cry that hard." and I could start tearing up myself. I take people's problems to heart. If I start talking about a hurtful topic, tears...Now what can I blame? Hormones? Imbalanced and oh my... I'm not a morning person, so that? Maybe I haven't gotten to eat on time and it's late? Truthfully at one point or another probably all those and more. From reading the above it would sound like I cry nonstop. But I'm a woman so it's totally cool to cry, right? I don't really. But the fact is, if you see me crying, there's a really good reason to it. You would have to know personal details or be involved to see me truly crying out of pain. If you have, I must have been very embarrassed at the moment, but cannot hold back that which bursts from within.
The tears I could never hide are those of joy, comfort, relief, and pure worship. Of feeling that Pure Love. When no one on earth could understand why, or feel that what is inside my heart. Not out of emotion or feeling. Not because of PMS or lack of sugar. But, when a man of God, a stranger to me, in a church I've rarely been to, who does not know me by name, might have only noticed me from a far, knows nothing of my life, but can speak and say the exact thoughts of my mind, as if he knows everything and all the happenings of my life, and altogether reassuring, reminding, and convicting to a point where I cannot deny that the Holy Spirit has done something amazing. At a very critical moment, the right time. Somehow exactly when I so need it...Those tears I let stream down my face.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rouge

Nature has it's own way of putting some 'rouge' on it's landscape.

Very striking against today's grey backdrop.

Stood out being the only tree with a beautiful bright vine encircling it.

***

I went to the Cross of Inspiration. On the Inspiration Lawn lies my grandma's grave.

One look and I'm flooded with memories. Certain words, phrases, smells, the way she looked at people, the way she cooked. Her caring ways. I think of things I didn't do, could have done, things I could have said...

The memories are either somehow kept alive or they slowly fade away, easily forgotten...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Single

A lot of times I like to refer to movie scenes that have stood out or meant something to me...I like to use sound effects and animation. But I also have to pretend to be a lady most of the time...If I could, I would explain myself, describe a very intense feeling I have had just weeks ago, and just show it with a scene that depicts it exactly, word for word, action, and sound. It's easier. But. I would be judged, so I do not share those 'moments' which portray that which I so feel. Others I can, without a smidge of reluctance, and laugh at myself because the movie from which I get my 'scene' can be a bit outlandish...Take for example, Kung Fu Hussle. I like that movie. I also overuse and quote Pride and Prejudice way too often...I can't help it.

***
I've learned the best way to say anything, the best way to write about anything, the best way to make a decision, is when I am no longer 'in the moment'. Sleep on it...sleep many nights on it...Think it over extra hard and it's no longer so bad. Took me awhile. I guess you I can't know everything all at once. Hehe...I know, that's the obvious.
***
I can fall to one knee, be bent on both, collapse on all fours, but I will not be beat, until I taste the dirt.
Maybe being that low helps me see that which I might have never seen when I was so High above. When I am Low, there is Hope that I can Rise. And when I Rise, I hope I will not forget what I have seen Below...
-
The enemy tries with whatever, in whichever way, with whomever, even my very own self, and the thing is, most of the time it's one thing. No success there? On to the next. But sometimes it's too many things all at once. Now that gets very hard. Thoughts, emotions, feelings, people, relationships, misunderstandings, work, desires, failures, inconsistency, lack of strength, broken trust, wishes, fall throughs in everything, broken plans, on and on...Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually...Is that all of them? Fine, Financially too...Everything is wrong, everyone is wrong. It gets very ugly. And I feel like one person against an army. Spiritual warfare. All hidden away behind a face and a body. That's all it is to me.
Thank goodness, I have a strong Warrior on my side. Whew. Alone? No, I could never do it myself!
(I might sound depressed. I am not. My personal disclaimer.)
_
My fish gets settled in, water's a good temperature, and it get's comfy. Then when I change the water in the tank, the water starts to swirl, and my fish has to fight the 'current', trying not to get caught in the whirl. It might not be happy. The water is now different and it has to get comfortable again. It calms down and gets used to it, until next time I decide to change the water again...Get settled in, only to be uprooted again. Don't get too comfy.
***
Finally, onto my favorite topic. My state of being single. Today, like many days before, I was asked if I am dating anyone. I said, "No."
"And you are happy?!" as in "You are single yet so happy!"
"Yes," by which I'm already laughing.
Maybe it is a confusion to some. How can it be so, to have both?
Some assume I'm dating. Some are surprised I'm single.
I believe at many times, others worry about my so called 'dating life' more than I. My clients, my friends, my sister (wink, wink).
They tell me of such nice boys, coworkers, sons, or cousins. It amuses me greatly. In fact, it's entertainment.
I will not lie. It's not like there are no hard times. When I see something, or hear a certain song, or someone talks of a special moment. I will also say this one on purpose; culturally I'm an old maid. (We get a laugh at this one!) There are more reasons. And of course, I am such a hopeless, sentimental, romantic, ( silly girl, duh!) that there are times when I go, "oh." A moment of wishing.
I can not look at others or compare my life to theirs. My path has it's own specific time.
The way I see things, I enjoy the time I am in now! I look at things in positive ways and see the good in whatever situation or whichever place I'm in. Not wishing for the past. Not wishing for the future. It's like being a kid and wishing to grow up. Then being an adult and wishing to be a kid again...Obvious again...Anyway, Philippians 4:11-13 comes to mind. Content. What a pleasant state of being. That is where my happiness and joy come from!
Cheerio

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Monday, September 13, 2010

Learning

I might be the biggest nerd.
Some people might already know about how annoying I can be about wanting to share what I've learned...
I feel like I'm back to school and I am totally ready! It's that time of year. There is only one subject and it's my favorite too. The word of God. There is never too much to know about that one...I always start out saying, "How can they possibly fit all that in, in a year?!" 66. Not the books of the Bible, the chapters of Isaiah. That's what I will be studying this year. The greatest thing about it for me is, that in the study, I come out with not just the knowledge of history, dates and times, who's who and what, how things all tie in, but I get a personal application to my daily life. Now that's what's so cool about it. I can't help but be excited about it. I might have read the Bible. But I do know, I don't know half as much as I should or need to.
I love learning. Life is the biggest lesson in it's own for sure, but I've always wanted to be learning something new, as in knowledge for the mind. This falls in that category. And the nice thing about 'my so called school' is, it's only once a week and the 'homework' is barely a few questions per day!
That's all.
*Grin*

Sunday, September 12, 2010

26

I had so much on my mind about turning 26 and about the past year, but now at this hour, it's the last thing I want to do. Funny I thought I'd do it bright and early. So much for that. Well, I thanked God, I thanked a few people, cooked and had fun, and just feel blessed because no matter what, it's a grand end to the day! The phone had a few overloads today. But it's a good thing. I saw some good people. Not everyone I would have liked to see, but hey, September's a busy month...and everything else I had on my mind will have to wait for another time. (I say that to myself quite often, so I have a growing list of ideas...lists, lists, atleast they're written down. Even that is better than a floating thought)...So on to a fresh start. I'm excited for this year!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Panic Plunge

Why is it that everytime I say, "I will never.." I end up doing it sometime later anyway?



This ride is not appealing to me and I've always said I'd never go on it. I mean, I can handle the roller coasters, the other sick rides, but in general, I like 'teacup' kind of rides. Well, I decided it won't kill me. I told the girls I'm afraid I'll 'pee' my pants and laughed. The older man next to me asked what language we were speaking and then asked, "How do you say 'Ahhhhhhhhh'(he literally screamed it)in Russian?" I gave a very nervous giggle in reply.

I guess I didn't die but then again, my eyes were closed. I might have if I looked out into the park from the very top. After the plunge, the only words that came out of my mouth were, "Oh my gosh!!" and "ужас!!" I did think I would burst into tears and my body did shake for a while after. Silly nerves! Why give away my feelings? The people in line watched my reaction and laughed, probably in their own nervous aniticipation. I don't know. I like to see people's reactions too, so I don't blame them for staring. Anyway, the ride after was way worse. So afterall, it wasn't so bad.


"Never Say Never"


***


We picked my two nephews up and were driving back to their place. I sat between the two carseats enjoying their precious giggles. One nephew had his tiny hand wrapped around my finger, and the other one was holding onto my hand. I was just feeling so loved and special until I felt the sharp pain of little teeth biting into my middle finger. My older nephew bit me! Truthfully, anything he does that's bad is actually funny, but I'm not going to let him think that biting my finger is fun. In fact, it still hurts. But the shock and suprise of it, and his little face and teeth and sounds were pretty hilarious!