Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


A lot of times I like to refer to movie scenes that have stood out or meant something to me...I like to use sound effects and animation. But I also have to pretend to be a lady most of the time...If I could, I would explain myself, describe a very intense feeling I have had just weeks ago, and just show it with a scene that depicts it exactly, word for word, action, and sound. It's easier. But. I would be judged, so I do not share those 'moments' which portray that which I so feel. Others I can, without a smidge of reluctance, and laugh at myself because the movie from which I get my 'scene' can be a bit outlandish...Take for example, Kung Fu Hussle. I like that movie. I also overuse and quote Pride and Prejudice way too often...I can't help it.

I've learned the best way to say anything, the best way to write about anything, the best way to make a decision, is when I am no longer 'in the moment'. Sleep on it...sleep many nights on it...Think it over extra hard and it's no longer so bad. Took me awhile. I guess you I can't know everything all at once. Hehe...I know, that's the obvious.
I can fall to one knee, be bent on both, collapse on all fours, but I will not be beat, until I taste the dirt.
Maybe being that low helps me see that which I might have never seen when I was so High above. When I am Low, there is Hope that I can Rise. And when I Rise, I hope I will not forget what I have seen Below...
The enemy tries with whatever, in whichever way, with whomever, even my very own self, and the thing is, most of the time it's one thing. No success there? On to the next. But sometimes it's too many things all at once. Now that gets very hard. Thoughts, emotions, feelings, people, relationships, misunderstandings, work, desires, failures, inconsistency, lack of strength, broken trust, wishes, fall throughs in everything, broken plans, on and on...Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually...Is that all of them? Fine, Financially too...Everything is wrong, everyone is wrong. It gets very ugly. And I feel like one person against an army. Spiritual warfare. All hidden away behind a face and a body. That's all it is to me.
Thank goodness, I have a strong Warrior on my side. Whew. Alone? No, I could never do it myself!
(I might sound depressed. I am not. My personal disclaimer.)
My fish gets settled in, water's a good temperature, and it get's comfy. Then when I change the water in the tank, the water starts to swirl, and my fish has to fight the 'current', trying not to get caught in the whirl. It might not be happy. The water is now different and it has to get comfortable again. It calms down and gets used to it, until next time I decide to change the water again...Get settled in, only to be uprooted again. Don't get too comfy.
Finally, onto my favorite topic. My state of being single. Today, like many days before, I was asked if I am dating anyone. I said, "No."
"And you are happy?!" as in "You are single yet so happy!"
"Yes," by which I'm already laughing.
Maybe it is a confusion to some. How can it be so, to have both?
Some assume I'm dating. Some are surprised I'm single.
I believe at many times, others worry about my so called 'dating life' more than I. My clients, my friends, my sister (wink, wink).
They tell me of such nice boys, coworkers, sons, or cousins. It amuses me greatly. In fact, it's entertainment.
I will not lie. It's not like there are no hard times. When I see something, or hear a certain song, or someone talks of a special moment. I will also say this one on purpose; culturally I'm an old maid. (We get a laugh at this one!) There are more reasons. And of course, I am such a hopeless, sentimental, romantic, ( silly girl, duh!) that there are times when I go, "oh." A moment of wishing.
I can not look at others or compare my life to theirs. My path has it's own specific time.
The way I see things, I enjoy the time I am in now! I look at things in positive ways and see the good in whatever situation or whichever place I'm in. Not wishing for the past. Not wishing for the future. It's like being a kid and wishing to grow up. Then being an adult and wishing to be a kid again...Obvious again...Anyway, Philippians 4:11-13 comes to mind. Content. What a pleasant state of being. That is where my happiness and joy come from!