Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Melancholy

The same day can be so different for many people. For some, it may be the happiest day of their life. Their wedding day. When that journey just begins. A day they chose to get married on. Snowflakes falling, adding to the festive Christmas wedding feel. For others it may be a day when the world stops. When they put their child to rest for an eternity. And the snowflakes falling just add a more melancholy feel. Christmas parties, birthdays, celebrations, moments of a lifetime. Sadness, heartbreaking moments, sorrow. It is easier to spot the joys. The sparkle in the eye, the skip in the step. It is harder to notice the pain, the sadness in the heart. And I walk around sometimes passing people, hardly realizing that these people around me might have turmoil or deep pain in their life, until I hear something and realize, 'wow, I didn't even know!' They get passed without a second glance. And if it's not my own personal pain, life just keeps going, and things get forgotten. Makes me think, how hard it is for a human sometimes to deal with, juggle the emotions, thoughts, feelings all at once. And here is God, who sees the depths of the heart and mind. The people of the past, the present, and the future! Just one person, myself for instance, is hard enough. But multiplied over and over?! All those emotions and feelings of each human being. Weather the joy, peace, happiness. Or the sorrow, pain, and struggle. How crazy it is for me as a mere human to comprehend it. He sees and feels all at once. And He knows how to deal with it and what to do for each individual personally. And I tell myself, that is why He is God!
***
I realize that as easy as English is for me, the simpler language, that when it comes down to the end of a hard day, a long day, or maybe I am lacking sleep and am tired, my tongue won't turn, my speech becomes hard, and I feel like I am speaking a foreign language. Which in fact, I am. I can hear my faint accent become heavier, and I hear those common mistakes you would hear foreigners speak. "It is a pretty." Rather than, "It is pretty." The "whats" become "Vats" Why? I have no clue. It's a strange thing! So even though I speak and use English more than Russian, Russian will prevail.
***
This time of year is especially busy! Maybe it is for most people. But for me, it is not because I need to run around shopping like a mad woman, finding last minute presents, that maybe no one really wants. Or decorating the house and making it look like Christmas. In fact, we don't even have a tree in the house. I guess no one wanted to take on the task of getting one and setting it up. And so the christmas toys (ornaments) are still sitting in their box.
It is busy just because a lot of events happen, and things have to be crammed in. I love it. I also love days like today, when I have nothing planned and not a single place to go.
But it makes me feel like I step into doors, one by one, of such completely different worlds. Such contrasting atmospheres, settings, people.
From a three day retreat where everything slows down and is calm, into a super early rushed morning, at work. Feeling like I was blown in by a storm without a moment to pause. Our fun, but very loud Christmas work party, where I felt like I was yelling the whole time, just to speak to the person next to me. And then Sunday. Where everything in church is spoken in Russian. And I sit, listen, and think. Afterwards, easing my way through the congregation in the crammed hallways. Each place and time, surrounded by such different people!
And my favorite.
I went to my younger brother's open house recital. I realized how many years have passed, and I've never met his teacher. Or been to a single recital of his. I felt like I stepped back into time. The elegance and classiness of the sound and feel in the air. Nicely dressed people mingling, students playing in the background. So, I met the piano teacher. And looked into the world of yet another piano instructor. I believe their environment, and they as people are very unique and interesting. (Maybe because I have taken many years of piano lessons and have always remembered my teacher as a genius.) I also scanned her bookshelf and made a discovery I hadn't know about her, and decided I really like her. We heard one of her past students, a gifted young lady who is now in a music school in New York, play a piece (Chesnuts Roasting on an Open Fire). just in case you wanted to know. There is something very amazing about live performances. And of course, heard my younger brother play, who didn't want to follow her, in playing, and waited until a younger child had finished. I've felt like that way too many times!
But what I liked about the open house has nothing to do with music, or the atmosphere that reminded me of my years of piano lessons.
In the room of strangers, one gentleman introduced himself and seemed to really want to talk. I could say, I met a 'soul friend'. A lady used that phrase and I really liked it. He was a stranger, and I might never see him again, but I know we understood each other, or maybe he understood me, without knowing me at all! I said one word and we smiled, in our mutual understanding, knowing we were talking about the same thing. What he was leading to, I knew. I say gentleman, because not just his physical appearance, but his manner and speech spoke, 'gentleman'. I also say, "really wanted to talk," because he did pursue a conversation, from room to room, even when one could have left after an awkward moment or a shift in happenings. Later he introduced his wife and pretty daughter. I chatted with her a little, and before we left, I came up one more time to say goodbye and make sure I had their names right. And as I was putting on my boots, he came up and tapped me on my shoulder saying, "I wanted to finish my story..." as if it was a necessity to say what he said before I disappeared. He said what he did, in his gentle manner, and we shook hands goodbye. And what struck me was, how in a short span, a thirty minute time frame, one single person could make such a huge impact. What we talked about and what he said, deeply moved me. It left an imprint on my heart. Such strong encouragement, on such a personal note, from a total stranger, who I will remember as a fellow christian 'soul friend'! I know he might never know how much his words affected me, but I feel as though it was a necessity for him to say what he did. I left pondering what had happened, kind of in awe...
I'm glad I was the only one available that day to drive my younger brother to his recital.
***
Never before has the meaning of Christmas been closer to my heart than this year.
So,
it's Happy Birthday Jesus
and
Merry Christmas to All!
_
Love and Peace