Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Laundry

I just love laundry rooms, pantries, and restrooms.
(I'll write about restrooms some other day...)
The smell of fresh sheets on the bed, the feel of just washed clothes on the skin.
Organized, sorted. Put in it's place.
New and refreshed.
Clean.
Makes me smile.
*
Have a good day.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

What I Really Wanted To Say

OK. Prepare yourself...
I think back to some of the people I get to meet at work. Most of the time, someone comes in, and the only focus is to get their hair right. Because they'll be leaving with my mark on them. And if asked where and who did they're hair, my name will be given. A lot of times I tell myself, I could have done better. But then, they shouldn't have talked, or moved their head so much, or started on time, or...There's always something. Other times, I look up to the reception desk, and from afar, it actually looks better. And I tell myself, see, why are you killin' yourself about it?! You stare too long at something so close up you start to lose the picture. And plus, nobody other than other hairdressers, (and those people who think they know how to do everything and can point out any little mistake yet don't do it themselves) see what I see. (there are a lot of factors that play in) And how do you know, that that uneven piece of hair is actually a piece of art? Done deliberately. Ha ha.

Anyway, some of my favorite characters are those people that if I heard their title, or maybe saw them from afar, or heard about them, I would think, 'oh I could never talk to that person, or ever be in contact with such a person'...But the reality of it is, no matter who it is, what they do, great or small, they are all human beings. If I ever put anybody on a pedestal and think, now that person is unreachable, then I'm already wrong. If I judge them by a 'label' I might miss completely. I think of all the labels I fall under. The stereotypes and how sometimes people treat me because of them. Female. Hairdresser. My outward appearance or stance. Preacher's/pastor's daughter, (I fear, that one's quite a label) But I am not to be defined by one single label. We all do it. Us girls about guys. Men about woman. Why?
Anyway, I get a CIO of INHS in my chair, and he is the most charming person. And what do we talk about? Borsh his wife likes to make. French movies I should watch. The Mac Netflix player in all his guest rooms. I am also thinking of how to fix the top of his hair to make it even because he doesn't see it because he doesn't look, but everybody else does. And he should after all look the gentleman he is, in whole. And these people, weather the CEO of girl scouts, a naturopath, a boss, etc, are all just as simple. Meaning, they are no greater or smaller than any other human being. Everybody has insecurities, think just like any other person, has feelings, emotions...Maybe they are afraid to come up to you as much as you are afraid to come up to them? I watched Notting Hill for the first time. And in that movie, this 'great' actress meets an ordinary fellow...In the movie she just points out that for all her fame and money, she's just a girl...just a girl! That's how I think of it. So, no need to be intimidated, fear, worry. I think of it as, treat everybody equally. Great or small.
One of the things I love about my job is that I get to talk about any given subject in the world. And the thing is, I am actually sincerely interested in pretty much any subject given and can keep a conversation going about the most obscure, random topic I'd never would have thought to talk about. (Actually, that would be a lie. Politics? Can't say I enjoy. I will leave that to my sister. And philosophical loud debates about religious questions that don't change a thing and don't mean a thing and no one knows a real answer to, don't interest me as much either. And I mean, those questions that have nothing to do with your eternal salvation.) -It's also strange that sometimes certain people get to know things about me that even the closest people around me don't know. Strange how you tell an individual you hardly know those things.- Just a few weeks ago, I had a client talk about tiny little cardiac units used in operations of the heart. He told me he could talk for hours on this subject. I truly believe him! No pausing for anything. Just that alone. Thank goodness I knew a thing or two about this, for my dad works on the cardiac floor of SHMC and once in awhile I read his magazines from that place about robotic surgeries and everything else...
***
On new year's day, at the youth party I went to, I was supposed to 'volunteer' to tell a favorite memory from my days of youth group, and also a well wishing, something like a 'toast' for the new year.
What I wanted to say was:
We all find people we admire, we look up to, try to imitate. I see it all the time. Sometimes it's like mob mentality. You see it everywhere. Someone does something, and everybody runs right after. Copying each other without even knowing why. I see it in the hair industry, in social circles, even on facebook. Kind of funny, FB, huh? But it is that era...And there is nothing wrong with being inspired by others or having mentors. Do it if you actually want to, if it's something you've wanted, and if is actually 'you'. But who we should try to imitate is not any human being. We should be ourselves, our own individual, but one who is imitating Jesus. When we try to imitate and 'be' like somebody else, we sometimes lose who we are. Our own identity. We'll end up always being behind, always mimicking, but never truly being. Trying to form into something or someone we really aren't. To sound like someone, to look like someone, to act, to do, all how someone else, we think we like and should be like. We also, by looking up to a human being can also be very disappointed when that person who we thought was everything fails, falters, and makes mistakes. If they are human, they will. And then it's lost in the midst of following, that which you actually want to do on your own. What are you really? When all's taken away and it's just you? You can't be yourself if you're trying to be someone else. But Jesus doesn't fail. And to be like Jesus with our own identity intact can never fail.
When we date, or make friendships and let people in our hearts, some of us do it slowly, some much faster, and if you know what it means to open your heart completely, you know what I'm talking about. No secrets. Vulnerable before the other. Open and honest. Imagine opening your heart like that to Jesus. Completely. Imagine how much he can show you, give you, that which you never thought. It's really indescribable. No limits. And then to try to be like him. Why not imitate Him? Who would you be then?! When he's allowed full access and full reign, oh, how much he can do, teach, change...These past few months, I think about this verse a lot: On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, "Why did you make me like this," will it? Romans 9:20 I love that phrase, Who are you, O man?! I tell myself all the time, Who am I?! He knows, because he is the creator, what's best for you, he knows your desires and wishes, and so to be yourself with Jesus in your heart, you can be Amazing! Trusting Him to full fill his promises to you, knowing He created you with those desires. He is the one who is ahead. Don't fight it. And in letting him do what is right, things will always end up for the better!

My speech was certainly not that. I'm not someone who's going to pretend to stand up in front of a bunch of teenagers and think everybody wants to hear my long speech. But I was thinking of public speakers at that moment. Of pastors and preachers. And I have great respect for them. Imagine standing in front of many people and seeing people yawn, giggle, laugh. Talk, lose attention, not be interested. And you search for a face that's listening. Through the midst of all that's happening they have to keep their train of thought, keep it interesting enough, and be able to drive it right to the heart. Of course if it's spiritual, is isn't the person's doing but nevertheless. They're the vessel. I just think how hard that is. And to keep going even if you do catch those people that have no desire to listen to the speaker whatsoever. It's quite the job.
***
Maybe I'll write something short next time. Or stick in a photo or something...Or else I'll bore myself!
By the way, it's actually 4 Pm when I'm writing this. I opened up the blog...and left 'cause I got distracted...Most of the time, I end up deleting what I start, telling myself, "I'll do it later."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wolf Moon

The moon tonight is mesmerizing! Full, bright, and beautiful. If it weren't so cold, I'd lay out on the grass and stare at it. (and only on the grass in the front yard. the back is covered in chicken poop.) I found out the January full moon is called wolf moon. Kind of cool, huh? I'm pretty sure if I were up at my parent's property, I'd be hearing the wolf's howl. Pretty sure.
So, I am pretty stoked at my little job of playing piano for a little choir. (how many times did i just use, "pretty"??) They are just the nicest group of people and made me feel very welcome. I met the former Spokane weather man who is now the minister, and chit chat with a couple other members. I think I will have a group of older folks as friends. I'm also very happy to be working for the choir director who is, (which I think this is super cool,) the vice president of the Washington State Music Teacher's Association. What a cool place for me to be to get back into the music world.
Today was my first day.
And I have to say, oh, how horrible it sounds when you play one wrong note!! A c# instead of a c for example. And you would think how could anyone notice, but it cuts your ears to hear it alongside the singers! And anyone in music instantly knows a wrong, out of place note, even if it's hidden in a funky chord! Made me want to cringe. At the end of the hour, they got in their positions and to hear the simplicity, the clarity of their voices, not one above the other, was so amazing. No one trying to outdo any other...Anyway,
I think this is great for me!
There are things people say that you never, ever forget. One of them is a tip my former piano teacher had once said. Always stay at least a measure ahead. You're playing one measure, as you're reading the next. So you are always a step ahead. (Or for me lately, I have to read the left hand part really intently but the right plays it's part without even having the notes looked at. It's strange how it works.) It's great in life. It's great in music. It's cool to be able to keep in tune to what should happen next, where the person is heading, what they are wanting from you without being told...That's a thing I like to do. So now that I've gotten acquainted with what it means to accompany, I will do my best to be ahead a step, so as to not drag it down, but pull it forward. It's like a personal assistance. I always thought I'd like to be somebody's personal assistant. Coffee runs, planner keeper, etc... The person who hands you what you want before you even tell me. I've always been attracted to these kind of jobs. Always obscure.
So my adventure begins. I'm excited at what I'll pick up from being there. To see where it all leads one day. 'sigh'...smile...
So I guess the movie of the month is Penelope. My movie of the month. I've decided that even though the month hasn't yet ended. It's just so pretty. The colors. The fairy talish kind of story. The part where the pig nosed girl decides to find out what her 'suitor' plays, so she sets up a band and he 'plays' each instrument as he sings quite loudly, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." Made me laugh. And my little brother said, "It was hard to watch." Why? "Because of the nose." Well, I bet he'd be one of those guys that jumped out the window as soon as he saw her...Anyway watch the movie if you have spare time. He HE ha
speaking of noses. mine looks like dragon scales. poor nose!
If you don't know this, you will now, but I'm a big Jane Austen fan. Emma, Pride and Prejudice, etc... Well, next time I'm sick, I'm going to have a Jane Austen movie marathon...Or, maybe I might not even wait 'till I'm sick?
I've been listening to Natasha Bedingfield and she has a song titled, No Mozart. Ha, just that title...I really have to stop with this music thing...OK.
So. Was I healthy today??
Um, I thought I was. I didn't drink extra espresso. My work was my exercise. I ate live cultures. As in, yogurt. But then I finished my day with a bowl of potatoes in pastry dumplings. This day went down the drain.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My Brother Tells Me My Blog Posts Are Too Long

Our little downtown can have quite the excitement! In the years I've worked at this location, on the corner of Washington and Riverside, we've witnessed a car flip and skid on it's top down the road, film crews and star sightings, (it was quite the thing when Snoop Dogg was across the street for a couple days) and big guns being fired for some other production. Our salon's name is seen in a movie with Demi Moore in it, and the fourth floor of our building was used to film a scene for an Antonio Banderas movie. Guy Fieri and his cooking show right in front of Hills restaurant...I'm pretty sure there'll be more. See how I put all those cool stars in. Makes it so exciting. But the fact is I really don't even care. (Truly, I don't. Everybody ran to shake Snoop Dogg's hand. I stayed at the salon. What's the point to introduce myself and shake his hand, when I didn't even know what he looked like before that!? So I didn't.) It does make Spokane kind of cool though, I have to say. But mostly it's just fuss and commotion, and people stopping to find out what's happening, and giddy chit chat about it all. Then there's the constant drivers who exit the parking lots going on to oncoming traffic, going the opposite of the one way street. I am waiting for the day an actual accident is going to happen because of that. Waiting as in, it's gonna happen one day for sure. You can get almost run over by the drivers of the downtown streets, witness cars drive into buildings, or hear people shooting other people once in a while. Anyway, yesterday at work, we started our meeting and a police officer came in to report there is an unidentified package that could possibly be a bomb on the corner just a block away. She told us that if we need to leave, to exit from the front entry. We watched them block off the street with a police car and yellow tape. After our meeting and education, I just wanted to get my car and leave. I had parked my car on the street right off that corner. And I had asked the cop about that. She said we could get our cars and turn them around and go the other way. So I left and started walking to my car. The cop stopped me asking, "Ma'am, where are you headed?" I told him I just want to get my car. Well, to me it was amusing (maybe I wasn't taking it seriously and if anything blows up, he's just as close!), as he asked me to come over to him saying, "Let me explain everything to you. Come over here between the buildings." He preceded in telling me about the seriousness of the bag and how close it was to my car and that the best way would be to stay. He also told me it's been three hours since and he was cold. (poor officer). I couldn't help but be smiling as he was talking. I wasn't trying to mock him or anything but really? I just asked if I could get my car and back up so I could leave. "OK. That is what you are choosing, it's your choice." as if, I'm responsible for my action. So I backed my car up, and he let me pass through, under the yellow tape through the parking lot to get out of the blocked street. Nothing blew up. Today I read that it was a bomb! Just something else to add to the list of all the excitements of working downtown!
***
It's amazing how fast the body can 'go down'. One day I'm fine thinking I'm just tired 'cause I haven't gotten back into the work mode yet, telling my friend we should sing on Sunday, and planning what I'll be doing on my days off. The next day water pours out my nose (and left eye) non stop! Where does it come from?! I would think my body would run outta water after running for two days straight! A headache that feels like somebody wants to crack my skull open, and a freezing chill right below the skin that nothing can warm up! And those sneezes. Those spells of sneezes. Unrealistic. You would think they sound like explosions, not sneezes. No strength to move. I have a toilet paper roll permanently attached to me. So, as I sounded like a man, singing was out of the question. And I didn't go renew my license, (which has been expired for about six months. I'm starting to get that feeling that I'm gonna get stopped. eh!) or make copies of the keys I've lost, and I didn't answer any of the questions for my bible study, and I haven't really practiced the songs that I will be playing tomorrow night when I start my job. And yesterday, I tried 'going' and doing normal daily activity. Well, that doesn't work. I ended up going to my Monday night study for the first part of it just because I had to play. I couldn't even hear them singing! And resting doesn't work because the body won't allow it either. How can you sleep when you have to blow your nose every other minute?! Yep.
***
Watching my brother at the hospital this last week, as he slept, as the nurse come in and out doing their job, I just think, my 'little' sick days are nothing compared to that! I don't have a leg bandaged up and an IV going up to my heart. I can walk around and do anything I please without assistance. To think two years in a row having surgery on his leg. He got to keep the hardware they ended up taking out. I look at that rod and I can't get it into my head that a surgeon stands there for hours, just putting in rods and screws, or taking them out after they've grown in. How does one choose to be a surgeon? Ugh. But we need them and we put our trust in them, that they will do their best and make the right decisions for the task at hand. Hopefully, this time there will be no infection, things will close up and heal, and in the long run, having all that taken out, be a positive thing for a him. Before his surgery, I would get those awful thoughts. What if something happens and they have to amputate. What if something happens and he passes away. Those dreadful thoughts. And I tell myself not to think of the worst. That it's not in my hands and I couldn't possibly alter anything anyway. And after, when all's done and OK, it doesn't even make sense that I would have even thought those things. It's like, that doesn't happen or would happen to us. Those things happen to other people. But. Anything can happen. Even bombs in cities like Spokane, and tragedies in our family. Maybe not now. But we are no exception. God has kept us safe 'till this day. May He keep us safe for many days ahead as well!
***
So I finally gave in and signed up for Netflix. The excuse being my younger brother. He can't go or do much. So we made an agreement. I get Netflix and he has to do his part of the agreement. (Read) I'll see how he can keep that one. And I gotta say, it's quite a distraction having an unlimited amount of movies at hand. But it's also pretty cool. When you can't read, or study, or do anything, zoning out in front of a good movie can be quite nice. It's embarrassing to admit but in the days I've been sick I've watched quite a few now...The thing is, anytime you get something new, it consumes you for a few days, and then it's just there...when you need it. A new phone (all those apps), new TV (i like mine), a new bicycle (my rear end likes that one)...On and on. It's not like I get a TV so that I can watch it 24/7, or a bicycle so that I won't use my car. And a phone with applications so that I use every single one of them. No. These are things I might not need and if I were on a tighter budget, I could totally do without, but it's really nice to have nonetheless!
That leads me to say. I've always and I mean from an early age, have wanted to have china. Meaning fine china as in tableware and dishes kind of china. That is precisely the kind of thing you don't need. But I want it. I, in fact, have already started in my foolish desire to own fine china. And over time, piece by piece, it will somehow be complete. If you think I'm crazy, fine. Growing up with nine people in the household at one point in time, I've succumbed to the fact that our family will never have table settings, or centerpieces, or matching dishes and cups. Our forks and spoons of all collections are all from garage sales and value village. (don't get me wrong here. There is nothing wrong with second hand places, in fact my next shopping adventure will be in second hand boutiques.) And my mom had always said, what's the point if they'll be chipped and broken. Which is true. We'd never have a whole set of anything. Spoons end up in the sink garbage disposal, 'new' mugs end up with chips, and all the knives have to be dull or else...So, weather I live by myself or married, in a tiny charming apartment or a house, I will have nice little dishes and a candelabra in the middle of the table.
***
In this world with so much technology and everything speeding up faster and faster, it's hard to be patient. (Technology is cool. But I'm happy to say, technology won't be cutting hair for a long time. I know, very off subject but...) I find myself so many times, wanting instant gratification. I start playing a song and can't sit long enough because I just want to play right through it. So I flip to the next one as if that one I can play. Does it work like that? No. I actually have to learn it which takes time. I find myself being distracted and having a hard time to focus on one thing. And so I jump from one thing to another to another. Those days are least productive. And so they feel like a waste. If it's not interesting enough I pounce on the next book, if it's not fast enough, I turn somewhere else...I find that to be a problem. And not that I'm not a patient person, (in the big, serious matters, I can be quite patient) but I joke that we all have a little bit of all those little 'disorders'. ADD, maybe throw in some Obsessive Compulsive...joking or not, I do need to work on sticking to certain things a little longer even if I don't get that instant perfect result or it takes a little longer. So my lack of concentration, added to my short attention span, added to procrastination can sometimes lead to unwanted results. I put it off long enough and oh, it will be disappointing.
***
I've decided I am a very unhealthy person. I am also a very bad communicator. Or listener. Depending on the situation. My brother also tells me my blog posting are way too long. (thus this one will be the longest of all) Let me tell you, I do it for myself. I don't care who reads my blog, and if they don't like it, nobody is forcing them to read it. That is why I like the fact nobody can comment on my blog, and I can't see who checks it out. Because I don't care and I don't write for 'someone'. I also don't take blurry photos and post 'em in photobucket for anybody in particular. (soon, people will hide from me so as to keep themselves off of my photobucket collection. also don't worry, if I write about You, you won't really know it. it's pretty much inderectly, and no names. hehe) If I were, if would all be for the wrong reasons, and then, I just wouldn't do it. Yeah, it's on the web and the web is widespread. But. It's still all for myself . Self absorbed? Eh. It's just hobbies, and once I'm bored or get interested in something else, I'll stop and do something else. Like work on my china collection. wink wink. We all have our phases.
Back to the subject of being unhealthy. Everyone tells me how tiny I am. Well, just because I have a small bone frame and a good working metabolism (still, thank goodness) doesn't mean I am healthy. I might still pull off 'looking' it, but it is certainly a lie. What do my arteries look like? Blood pressure? Longevity of my body? I don't remember a single time I stretched or exercised this last month. And what do I put in my body. Isn't it the phrase, "you are what you eat"? I must be a ...I'm not gonna even say it! Talk about new years resolutions. Everybody always says, I will work out, get into shape, eat healthier. Never my resolutions. But. I do want to be healthier. One of my favorite things I started doing a while back was not taking sugar in my coffee or tea. Try taking a caramel frappuccino after that! Tastes like drinking syrup. Ugh! Same thing with eating and exercising well. It will take time to adjust but, it will be gratifying and going back will taste like syrup. I mean, I won't like it compared to how I will like the new way. So, goals are good to have. And I will set up some goals for healthier livin'.
As for being a better communicator. I really need to not finish people's sentences and learn to not interrupt. That goes well with patience. I'm sorry to say, but I sometimes am a paragraph ahead, and slowness in the conversation is very hard for me. But I have to enjoy the moment, and be in the conversation. Just like when you're on a date, and everything around you disappears. Same with conversing with any other human being. I need to let everything around me disappear. What's the rush, anyway? Someone recently told me, "You're always 'going." And I thought, how true. Why do I always leave the conversation, why do I always end it? Why am I always 'going'?? I also need to not fill in the space by going back into talking about me if i don't know what to say. Why couldn't I just ask a question about them. No, it has to return to me. About me. And I know, that happens mostly if I'm nervous or self conscious at the moment, but it becomes a habit, or what "i know" and will be harder to change later.
***
I realize how much I can talk and say nothing. I mean, in the real world. As I talk to clients, coworkers, acquaintances, and even friends. Sometimes it's joke after joke and no actual conversation. And laughter's like medicine but overtime, if there's no depth, it gets old. Sometimes I ask a question and get fired a question right back without even a slight response to the actual question. And I think, I do that too. By escaping any real 'feelings', happenings', or 'bonding'. All superficial, on the surface small talk. I would say, I hate small talk, but obviously, small talk leads to the main stuff. I guess, I really don't like small talk if it's always small talk with the same person each time. And it doesn't lead anywhere. Then I get tired and just refuse to follow social etiquette and make people uncomfortable by being silent. Oh well. Anyway, Over the holiday break someone said, "To be a/have friends, means to open up your heart." That struck me. Not like it was a new teaching. Just to hear it being said. And the sad thing is, for some it is so natural, and yet for me, it had to be a learned thing. I totally agree with that statement, but my 'natural' is to be closed off. Self protection. Defensive. And because I don't believe that is the healthy way, I had to 'learn' to open up my heart. How hard it is. But the beauty of friendship/relationships is, to be vulnerable, to be able to express what I am truly feeling, and to open my heart. Yes, not to all, randomly. But even starting with just a few. And life is easier. I do like it. Of course, you can get burned, you can be hurt. But, we are all humans.
Sad thing, the ones you sometimes yearn to build a relationship with, will aways stay strictly business. It's like a permanent wall.
***
Medicine has kicked in. I will go practice piano so as to not embarrass myself tomorrow.
*Cheerio*
The City Harmonic sings Manifesto- I wish I could stand there and sing the song with them. Feel the Power.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Watching It All Unfold

One of the things I like to do is wait it out. I've done it at work, in my personal life, and in a way, other's lives. (meaning, not getting into their business and telling them "how to" as i watch or listen, but letting it play out naturally) And I'm not talking about lack of action or being lazy or anything like that. These kind of things aren't something I actually have to do. Sometimes I catch myself trying to take things into my own hands, only to stop and say, 'wait, I've given it all up to God!' Sometimes not doing anything is better than running around fretting, worrying, and trying to do something. And so, as time passes, sometimes too slow, sometimes too fast, I watch it all unfold, and the pieces come together so nicely. Where maybe if I'd had done something, it might just have meddled and muddled, rather than helped.
***
I find that we humans can sometimes get stuck on the bad. The bad things someone said, the bad actions, the negativity of humanity. And we remember and maybe define by that negative memory. Maybe live in light of the bad memory. But I believe that we also do not see what goes on in the mind, the heart, and the lives of those people we think and remember in that bad light. We do not know where and who might come into their life, and alter. It is also not on our own watch. Not by our timing. Or even how God is already working.
I don't believe it's our right to say, "Well, he/she is already doomed, condemned!" or, "They will never change!"
I always think, that when we make it to Heaven, who will we see that we thought, 'why, never'? Who will surprise us there?!
That is why, there is Hope.
***
Do you know what Love is?!
--
Do everything in love.
1 Corinthians 16:14
It is the New Year 2011!
The holidays are fun. Soon, I will see my loved ones less than I have in the last few weeks. Things will go back to the 'normal' schedule. I've been blessed with having to work, or shall I say, hardly work, during this holiday season and I might just forget what it is to 'work'. Four day weekends, two day workweeks. It's been nice!
So, on to keepin' on livin'.
And here's to Hope and Love for this Amazing New Year!