Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Time

So it's Thursday, my day off, and I think I will finish what I started to write on Tuesday.  And then I'm taking time off from all this blogging and posting photos everywhere. I'm thinking I don't want people to start thinking they know me because they've read a 'phrase' of mine.  Just like I don't think you can get a feel for a city or place with one photo, I don't think you can know a person, get a 'feel' for them because of one conversation, one phrase, or maybe some blog posts...I really liked my time in Germany without Internet, without my phone, without the social media blah. (And I'm not talking about people who 'look' like they don't use facebook but really sit and stare and stalk behind the screen! I'm talking about really not going on facebook every hour or so.) I'm not saying I won't use it or that it's not necessary or that it's bad. I'm just saying I like not having it on my mind, being distracted by it, or it being used so much. 
Laundry's in the washer, dishes in the washer. Cleaning, thinking, listening to music. 


This pianist is great. I haven't listened to him in awhile until someone mentioned his name just recently...One of his videos called 'Sad Angel' reminds me of myself. The way he 'plays' piano keys as he sits at the table, being inspired by the things he sees...Sometimes I imagine playing, or I see someone play, like the Spokane Symphony's conductor lightly touch the keys, another pianist maybe playing somewhere, a music video of a musician I love, and I can feel my fingers melt into the keys. It's just like watching amazing hairdressers cut hair. Makes me want to cut hair! I can feel the movements, the feeling of it. It's almost just a natural reflex now. Well, this pianist also creates music with one of the greatest voices ever, Lara Fabian. I love her voice. What a combination.





Cunning and clever. I believe these to be great characteristics, yet somehow, at the same time, very scary. Because what's behind that cunning, clever face? You never know.


I know I'm drawn to challenge. When I'm presented with a challenge, I welcome it. (Actually, I'm speaking of a certain type of challenge. Not just any challenge)  When it's too easy, it's just that. Easy. And taken for granted. But when it's something that picks at my brain, something new, fresh, unexpected, for some reason, I get drawn in. As if I have to overcome it, figure it out, like a puzzle. 


Despicable Me. That's the movie of the month. "Oh, poop." 
And that song. "I'm havin' a bad, bad day..." So funny. Well, I think I've felt that way before...But as strange as those yellow thingy's were, I really liked the story line. And his accent. And his grouchiness. And his change of heart...


Before I left for Germany, I had told someone, life will be different when I return. I was thinking of one thing. And truthfully, life has been completely different, but because of completely other things. Different, but not the way I thought. Not in a bad way. (Even the fact that I came back six pounds lighter. Nice start for summer.) It's just God's way of directing me...


Speaking of how God directs. My life verse I go by, once again, is 
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9. 
If you don't believe it, maybe one day you will. I believed it before, I've lived it, I see it happening in front of my eyes now, and know it will always be true!
As well as, 
Psalm 37:5
Only I like how it sounds in Russian.
Предай Господу путь твой и уповай на Него, и Он совершит. 
Псалом 36:5
About a year ago, I thought I could work more, make more money since I had nothing better to do. Pick up some hours. Since I love my job, had no serious obligations, no kids or husband to 'think' about...What a great idea.
My tendon inflamed. I freaked out at my hand hurting so bad. The coldness, the pain.  And what are the first thoughts? I chose the wrong profession! What am I going to do? Well, that's the doubts and worry only darkness sends. The pointing fingers. The pointing fingers aren't always right.
 But God says, this is the perfect profession for you. It was from the beginning. And it is now! It's everything you need. It's everything you love, and watch where it will take you.
That because an ailment comes, and obstacle occurs, a problem happens, doesn't mean the choice was wrong. 
In fact, if something happens to a child, doesn't mean you shouldn't have had kids, if you have marital problems, doesn't mean you chose the wrong husband/wife. That just because something bad happened, you made a mistake. Making the right choice doesn't mean a perfect life without problems, arguments, sadness. And it doesn't mean you run away. That you panic and jump into all directions searching for a way out.
So I told my management that I would like to keep working longer but not as much. I would rather work less, but for a longer time span...
 So now I work only three days a week. 
Because God knew. He knew that my desires weren't to be a 'career' woman at this time. That my desires weren't to create a name for myself, to be famous, to be known, and to be rich. (Although, I believe it's not me who creates a name for myself, but people.) And all the things I once thought I could do and wished to do at some point in my life, but didn't know when and how they would happen, they were laid out in front of me, to say 'yes' to. God given desires, instilled in me. The things that truly were important and matter to me. I didn't have to push my way in, pursue, beg, ask. It wasn't me trying to do something that maybe wasn't for me or my time. It was given to me. In and unexpected way. It's always like that. Unexpected. And God's way. 
So now I am doing all sorts of things in all aspects of life and variety! Busy, challenged, happy as ever, but still free. Nothing is too overwhelming or smothering. Now I have time, I have ability, desire, and I'm not spreading myself too thin. Because I believe if you are to do something you do it will all your heart. And if you're just putting in a little here, a little there, halfhearted, then you might as well do less but fully. I have time for God, for people, for work. And for myself! That one is important! 
There are so many opportunities. So many options and choices. People say, "Why don't you open up your own salon?" "Come here, go there." "Check this out, do this, do that..."
What kind of person would I be if I just jumped at everything anybody just told me?
I know I have ability, will, drive, opportunity. In fact God has blessed me abundantly. He will also ask more, because of that. But the choices made aren't just because I can or I want to. Yes, to have the desire is important, but also know where you want your life to head? Where does God want me to go? At what time, and where? What is more important?  And to weigh it all before I make a choice...
My work is very gratifying. There are so many outlets and so many directions I can go, in just my profession and work place. (Not to mention the abundance in other spheres of life!)
And because the payment ways have changed, my salary hasn't changed. In fact it's better. And I just got a raise. And in the fall, I might be going to New York for an academy, all expenses paid! Now that is going to be awesome, if it happens!!

And who knows, maybe one day I will have to drop everything and give it all up. You never know. 
*
About five years ago, we were told, "Work smarter, not harder."
What a great statement. It actually works for many things in life, apart from business aspects.
And I understand it now.
I had to be able to say no. To learn to say no. If it's not something I want to do, or need to do, I can say no and not feel guilty. I stick to my own rule, that I don't do hair at home. And I no longer do wedding hair at four am. I can easily refer people to other hairdressers. I have no problem with that.  I'm not a better hairdresser if I do 'all' the brides. It doesn't make me a better person. I don't need that money or the 'fame'. I am content.
*
I have peace, because there was a promise!
*
Spineless. Ugh. 
Learn to form your own opinion and stand behind it. 
Do you laugh because  everyone laughs or do you actually think it's funny?
Do you believe because you are told to believe or truly do in your heart?
Do you like it only because others like it? 
Can you disagree and not feel like you are wrong or stand out?
It doesn't make you wrong or the other side wrong. It just means you have your own opinion. Your own likes and dislikes. Your own mind.
*
I wouldn't change a thing. Thanks to God.
*
So I've thought about this so many times in my life. Why have I felt too many times, that if I don't say 'hi', smile, start talking, call, text, come up to talk, first, then the other person might never do so themselves? I know many people have told me I'm intimidating. Scary. Why? Is it because of how I look? My facial expression? The way I stand? Who I am or my presence in general? Is my 'thinking' face too serious? (hehe)
Why is it that I have to work extra hard to show, I'm really just a silly girl. Someone who really loves to laugh and have a good time. ( And, have very intense conversations too. And yes, I am complicated. I've heard that too, but it's really not that complicated. I just happen to see and think in a very broad spectrum. I just happen to notice everything and think in all aspects all at once.) I have to show that I am open and inviting to make them comfortable weather I am actually comfortable or not! But, knowing and seeing that, it makes it so much harder for me. That no matter what I feel inside, I have to portray myself as confident, free, secure, and bold. To come up to people on my own. Weather I'm feeling shy, or scared, or insecure at that moment. To start talking to them first. To overcome my fears or rejection, and no's, and just go for it. Because we only live once, so I might as well, even if I make a fool of myself more often. At least I try and make an effort! And there's only one way to find out. By asking, by coming up, by calling, or being the first to initiate! 
But I guess people can't see into me. They can't read my mind. And what they see on me, doesn't always reflect what's inside. I look one way when I'm really just quiet and shy at that moment. (I am not shy.) It might look like I'm just stuck up because it doesn't 'fit' me. That it doesn't matter what's inside, it's the outside that is taken into account. And too many times, as soon as I make that move, the person opens up. It's as if they need reassurance that I want to talk. 
But what if it's me who needs that reassurance? What if it's me who doesn't want to always be the first to make the moves? In fact, before, I've always been on the side where I always made excuses of why someone might not want to talk to me. Or if they actually did, they wanted something from me. I had to learn, that really, sometimes all that people want to do is be your friend and just talk. 
So I ask myself, if I hadn't started, would they have? If I hadn't called, would they? If I hadn't written, come up, invited, would they? Am I always going to be the initiator, the pursuer? 
It doesn't matter now. I already know I should smile more, look people in their eyes, say their names, invite, love, be friendly, and say hi, no matter if they do or not!! Weather they accept or not. Rejected? Oh well. Someone else may say yes. 
The person who pursues wins. 
(This is about all people, men and women. There's the other kind of pursue. When a guy pursues a girl. Then I think it should be his job to really pursue. Not the other way around. I believe I could easily take that role, which is dangerous, and I don't like it.)
*
Tschüss







Tuesday, July 12, 2011

In And Around Spokane

















The grass is not greener on the other side! 
In short,
I've personally discovered that sometimes I have wished to have something I admired in someone else's life.  Because what I had was not good enough. Because what I had was flawed. Because what someone else had was better. But it's not true. And once I listened and watched I realized that, maybe that which I wished for, had the same problems, the same flaws, the same issues. It was no better than what I had. In God's grace, he showed me that you have to appreciate what you have. You love what you have. And what I have, in all aspects of life, is wonderful. Different, unique, special. That which shaped me, defined me, made me what I am today. Strengthened or perhaps softened me up. The good and the bad, all God's gifts to me. 












Sunday, July 10, 2011

In A Confused State

What is wrong with me?! 
I think I do something 'wrong' so I go to fix it, only for it to come out wrong again! 
And all my own doing. How weird. 
Well, I'll take it as a lesson to not assume. I mean, repeated lesson.
 I already know not to assume. 
In fact I believe, if you assume, you're already wrong. 
Why don't I think of that before?

I just confuse myself. That's probably it.
Confused.
As I read Mark, I realize, I've missed the part where a follower of Jesus escapes arrest and flees naked. Mark  14: 51-52. Why don't I remember ever reading that before? 
Why I like my study is because it makes me think about these kind of passages, that can be overlooked, in a totally different way. 
'Following Jesus may result in persecution and humiliation.'
What is causing me to run from others--fear? uncertainty? How am I preparing myself or others to be strong when faced with persecution? In what areas am I watching Jesus but avoiding following Him because I don't want to be involved personally?
 (Let me say, persecution has many, many different 'faces')
*
Things change momentarily. And then I try to catch myself. And think, wait! How? What? 
And how many times I say in my mind, "no! that's not what I meant." "That came out totally wrong." But at that moment it's too late. And I scramble. 
Oh, I can only 'laugh' at myself.
I didn't get to babysit. Like I said, things change momentarily. So last night, it was quiet. I was alone. When plans change, sometimes there's no motivation to make new plans. Sometimes it's good to just be.
*
As to why am I writing this, at this hour? When others are out maybe having lunch, socializing...Like my sister said in the car on the way home, "You look like you are deep in though."
And that's what I am. Deep in thought. And to socialize can sometimes be a bit weary. 
Funny.
And that is me being a bit too open. 
This blog contains a lot of 'unseen' filters. Once in awhile I truly wish to say the thoughts of my mind as they are. Sometimes to people. Sometimes in writing.
 I also truly believe that would cause quite the trouble!
*
I also want to say, because of certain things I've heard in recent days:
I don't write to anyone. Or about anyone with any intent. I don't change how I write or what I say. (In fact, my older brother told me, "You write how you talk. All over the place, yet somehow it all connects." I laughed. I know. There's reasons. And at least I'm consistent. It's me.)
 It's just how I feel. What I think. It's not to make anyone feel anything. It's not to change anyone.
You can't 'find' yourself, unless it's specifically about you, then you would know. Or like me quoting my brother just now. And that I don't hide.  
But think about it, how many people do I see in one day? How many things I hear in one day? How many places I go, and how many things I see? And maybe somethings I say are from years ago that have  formed into something else now. Or how something in my life can be just like it is in your life... My thoughts and opinions are formed and influenced by so many things that to say that some particular phrase was meant for you would be wrong. But, each person in hearing anything, in reading anything, takes what they want the way they want to. Nobody makes you feel that way. Nobody makes you think that way. What affects you is not how I make you feel but how you think I may make you feel. 
I've come to a point in life (not like right now, but in general) where I feel I don't need or have to explain myself at all. To anyone. Yet sometimes there's reason to. Sometimes there's need to...Anyway, that may have come out wrong too, but I do that often so it doesn't matter...
*
The unhappiness, the bitterness, negativity, criticism, worry, fear, jealousy that some have, will not affect me. 
It will not affect my happiness. I don't accept it. I won't let it change my positivity. My outlook. 
Maybe for a second my face may flash a hint of hurt. Or some other feeling. But it's only for that moment. But I choose to not let it affect me.

You can't take 'my' happiness and live it. You have to find your own.
 For if you take mine or think that if you have what I have, it will make you happy, you will find it's not yours. It won't make you happy. And just like I'm not what will make you happy, it's also not me who makes you unhappy. Everything is from the heart. And the feelings you feel? There's a source to them. It's not me.
Yes, that's something I sometimes wish to say. 
*
I love how God works. I am greatly blessed to have certain people in my life. People from a long time ago. People that I've only know for a little. But through people, so much is shown. 
Other's faith. Other's belief. Other's testimonies and life stories. Truly beautiful and an example for me.







Friday, July 8, 2011

I Can Be A Fool Sometimes

I realized that I will never be 100% Russian. Never 100% American. Suspended between two completely different worlds. It's something that never affected me. Never bothered me. In fact in never really played a role in much. But these last few days I realized, it does. That I don't do things like the Russian girls. But I don't do things like the American girls either. And that I have to be more careful and discern who I am dealing with and how to behave with them.
I realized I just might have to adjust my very Americanized ways depending on who I'm with. Otherwise that which I'm now used to may be very startling to those that aren't used to it. May be shocking and, who knows, even offensive!? That my ways could even be inappropriate.
Whoops. 
Oh well. 
I may even look like a fool. I laugh at myself because I am very comfortable. But I have to realize that the ones around me might not be that comfortable.
Then again, this is who I am.

I have learned to adapt to change very quickly. To accept and flow along. I have to remind myself that just because I am at that point doesn't mean the person next to me is. That for others, change can take awhile to get used to. And for some,  change is not acceptable. That one is hardest to deal with.
That sometimes, it takes time. That I might have to wait.

For me, I have to accept change every hour almost. I learn quickly. But that's just me...
*
I'm excited! I get to babysit my nephews tomorrow after work! Two boys. Oh boy!
I hope there's no poopy diapers. 
Poopy or not, my nephews are the best!!


**
I just heard a bomb. Or maybe that was fireworks? 
Anyway, my life is good. 
I hope yours is too!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I'm A Bit Out Of Whack

I know I'm blurry. It's OK.
So now that I've come back to the states, everything is supposed to go back to normal, right? But it hasn't. In fact I'm a bit lost in time and as to what I'm supposed to do to get back into the flow of things! Sunday night I literally cut off a conversation and said I need to go, and to someone I probably, normally, would never do such a thing! It wasn't even 9pm yet! And I'm totally a night person. That's when I'm more 'alive'! But my head was killing me, my body was shaking from within and if I had stayed and talked any longer, I would have probably said things I would have regretted later...I was already starting to feel too comfortable. 
Yesterday my day started at 4 am. I texted someone around 6 am. The person must have thought I was crazy!  Makes me laugh. I don't care though. 
Today, my day started at 1 am!! And I totally missed Fourth of July because I was passed out! Last year, I barely got home at 2am after the fourth!! 
So what can a person do in these early hours of the day? It's silent and dark, other than the few fireworks going off at random moments. I already made myself some coffee and, well, am writing this. It's going to be a long day. Longer than the day we flew home. (I think all together, I was awake for more that 36 hours straight!) 

~Something really strange happened from when I was in Germany and coming back home. In fact, I still can't understand it. How does that work!?? It's quite the unexpected and most bizarre thing. ~

Anyway. One thing I love is accents. When people speak in the language that is not their first. When phrases are only fragments. Or words don't fit with the situation... In fact, I think my favorite thing when I was in Europe was, all the languages we were surrounded by. When we were in France and it was four languages being spoken around us. Bjorn could only speak English with us. Katya could speak Russian with us. We spoke Russian and English between each other. Bjorn and Katya spoke German between themselves. And the French spoke French. I might write about it in the travels blog. (although, i have completely changed my mind on how and what i want to do with it. and about the photos and everything. i don't think i am myself!!)

And although I am already home, the most recent one that I heard was, after a bit of a lengthy conversation with someone I already know, and met quite a long time ago, in saying goodbye, I got the phrase, "nice to meet you." with the handshake. And I am totally not laughing at the person!! I thought it was the cutest thing ever! I'm pretty sure I do the same in speaking my own first language. My grammar is horrible. And my accent is probably pretty bad to those who speak Russian way more fluidly than I. But it's great practice to keep a conversation going and sticking to Russian most of the time! I gotta do it more often.

OK. I think that's all I wanna say for now.
 I can still hear the word, "tschuss" in my head. Sounds very much like 'cheers' with an accent. And is very much a close translation to my favorite, in writing, 'cheerio'!

Tschuss!

Love it!
*grin*