Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Мороз и Cолнце

...Под голубыми небесами
Великолепными коврами,
Блестя на солнце, снег лежит...
-А.С. Пушкин

He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth'... Job 37:6
Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail?
-Job 38:22
(there are storehouses. hehe)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010


The same day can be so different for many people. For some, it may be the happiest day of their life. Their wedding day. When that journey just begins. A day they chose to get married on. Snowflakes falling, adding to the festive Christmas wedding feel. For others it may be a day when the world stops. When they put their child to rest for an eternity. And the snowflakes falling just add a more melancholy feel. Christmas parties, birthdays, celebrations, moments of a lifetime. Sadness, heartbreaking moments, sorrow. It is easier to spot the joys. The sparkle in the eye, the skip in the step. It is harder to notice the pain, the sadness in the heart. And I walk around sometimes passing people, hardly realizing that these people around me might have turmoil or deep pain in their life, until I hear something and realize, 'wow, I didn't even know!' They get passed without a second glance. And if it's not my own personal pain, life just keeps going, and things get forgotten. Makes me think, how hard it is for a human sometimes to deal with, juggle the emotions, thoughts, feelings all at once. And here is God, who sees the depths of the heart and mind. The people of the past, the present, and the future! Just one person, myself for instance, is hard enough. But multiplied over and over?! All those emotions and feelings of each human being. Weather the joy, peace, happiness. Or the sorrow, pain, and struggle. How crazy it is for me as a mere human to comprehend it. He sees and feels all at once. And He knows how to deal with it and what to do for each individual personally. And I tell myself, that is why He is God!
I realize that as easy as English is for me, the simpler language, that when it comes down to the end of a hard day, a long day, or maybe I am lacking sleep and am tired, my tongue won't turn, my speech becomes hard, and I feel like I am speaking a foreign language. Which in fact, I am. I can hear my faint accent become heavier, and I hear those common mistakes you would hear foreigners speak. "It is a pretty." Rather than, "It is pretty." The "whats" become "Vats" Why? I have no clue. It's a strange thing! So even though I speak and use English more than Russian, Russian will prevail.
This time of year is especially busy! Maybe it is for most people. But for me, it is not because I need to run around shopping like a mad woman, finding last minute presents, that maybe no one really wants. Or decorating the house and making it look like Christmas. In fact, we don't even have a tree in the house. I guess no one wanted to take on the task of getting one and setting it up. And so the christmas toys (ornaments) are still sitting in their box.
It is busy just because a lot of events happen, and things have to be crammed in. I love it. I also love days like today, when I have nothing planned and not a single place to go.
But it makes me feel like I step into doors, one by one, of such completely different worlds. Such contrasting atmospheres, settings, people.
From a three day retreat where everything slows down and is calm, into a super early rushed morning, at work. Feeling like I was blown in by a storm without a moment to pause. Our fun, but very loud Christmas work party, where I felt like I was yelling the whole time, just to speak to the person next to me. And then Sunday. Where everything in church is spoken in Russian. And I sit, listen, and think. Afterwards, easing my way through the congregation in the crammed hallways. Each place and time, surrounded by such different people!
And my favorite.
I went to my younger brother's open house recital. I realized how many years have passed, and I've never met his teacher. Or been to a single recital of his. I felt like I stepped back into time. The elegance and classiness of the sound and feel in the air. Nicely dressed people mingling, students playing in the background. So, I met the piano teacher. And looked into the world of yet another piano instructor. I believe their environment, and they as people are very unique and interesting. (Maybe because I have taken many years of piano lessons and have always remembered my teacher as a genius.) I also scanned her bookshelf and made a discovery I hadn't know about her, and decided I really like her. We heard one of her past students, a gifted young lady who is now in a music school in New York, play a piece (Chesnuts Roasting on an Open Fire). just in case you wanted to know. There is something very amazing about live performances. And of course, heard my younger brother play, who didn't want to follow her, in playing, and waited until a younger child had finished. I've felt like that way too many times!
But what I liked about the open house has nothing to do with music, or the atmosphere that reminded me of my years of piano lessons.
In the room of strangers, one gentleman introduced himself and seemed to really want to talk. I could say, I met a 'soul friend'. A lady used that phrase and I really liked it. He was a stranger, and I might never see him again, but I know we understood each other, or maybe he understood me, without knowing me at all! I said one word and we smiled, in our mutual understanding, knowing we were talking about the same thing. What he was leading to, I knew. I say gentleman, because not just his physical appearance, but his manner and speech spoke, 'gentleman'. I also say, "really wanted to talk," because he did pursue a conversation, from room to room, even when one could have left after an awkward moment or a shift in happenings. Later he introduced his wife and pretty daughter. I chatted with her a little, and before we left, I came up one more time to say goodbye and make sure I had their names right. And as I was putting on my boots, he came up and tapped me on my shoulder saying, "I wanted to finish my story..." as if it was a necessity to say what he said before I disappeared. He said what he did, in his gentle manner, and we shook hands goodbye. And what struck me was, how in a short span, a thirty minute time frame, one single person could make such a huge impact. What we talked about and what he said, deeply moved me. It left an imprint on my heart. Such strong encouragement, on such a personal note, from a total stranger, who I will remember as a fellow christian 'soul friend'! I know he might never know how much his words affected me, but I feel as though it was a necessity for him to say what he did. I left pondering what had happened, kind of in awe...
I'm glad I was the only one available that day to drive my younger brother to his recital.
Never before has the meaning of Christmas been closer to my heart than this year.
it's Happy Birthday Jesus
Merry Christmas to All!
Love and Peace

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Few Days Without

So. I think, if you want the truth, the real story, you gotta go to the source. The real source. Not the gossip line, not the retold version where everything has either been distorted, exaggerated, or maybe depleted. 'Cause I believe once something is retold by someone, then retold again by someone else, the feelings and emotions and ideas or visualization of those people have been added and have already changed the whole perspective. The actual happenings, the true story is no longer that which it was originally. Maybe how it's portrayed, or how it's heard, gives a complete wrong impression. Maybe it's retold in the version of how one wants it to be seen. And then when you find out, that's how it's all going down, and it's all twisted, you wonder how it got to that in the first place.
I like to ask for myself. And it's amazing how much you can get from asking. I know that if I was asked certain questions people would know a lot more. They just don't ask. Maybe they're afraid to ask, to actually hear an answer.
I'm looking forward to this week. Turning off the phone. No texting or messaging. No facebook checking. A few days of old fashioned living. It should be relaxing to get away from the city. Even if it's not really a vacation.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Old Soul

A lady I greatly admire, who's past her 70's, told me, "You would appreciate this, you have a heart like mine," as she told me a few things and showed me something that was dear to her. Hearing that, I took it as one of the greater compliments. From the talks I've had with her over the last four years, I would have to say, I understand how she would see that, and I agree. I've always believed I have an old soul. In fact my mom told me I was born an old lady. (I'm pretty sure her opinion has partly changed, at least about me being 'a lady') Maybe that is why I can relate and get along so well with much older people? But I wonder, what happens to this 'old soul' when I actually will be old. If that ever happens. Meaning, I think I will be an old soul with an never-ending youthful spirit. Hopefully. Always. That should work!

You hear people talk about 'looks', the accessories, the clothes, the pretty eyeshadow. And all that has a place in it's own. Especially for me, being surrounded in a setting where sometimes that's commented on too frequently. But how many people notice or comment on the more important qualities like character or matters of the mind and heart. I know I've been surprised, and I say surprised because I rarely hear it spoken about others, when someone says something they noticed that has nothing to do with the physical appearances or beauty. I guess I've been thinking about this because I feel like too many times, the face and physical structure of the human body is focused on way too much. Weather the 'face' is attractive and receives lots of compliments or not so much and gets overlooked much more.

So I decided that if I ever die, I mean, when I die, I want this song played at my funeral:

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head for Love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!
Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain...so
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live!
And like a newborn baby,
don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk, sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live!
Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain...then
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live!
O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside...then
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live!
And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye,
Go in peace and laugh on Glory's side...and
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live!
-Chris Rice

The simplicity of the tune and melody was very much catchy! It's been years since I first heard it. I like to think and ponder as I read those lyrics and think of the moments that fit those times. So simple yet so deep. It covers it all. So I picked up part of the melody and play it often for myself. It's just so soothing. Don't get me wrong. I know this is the season for rejoicing and giddy feelings and I'm there for sure. But. When I hear too many people telling me about loved ones dying, when I read a beautifully descriptive passage in a book about priorites in life and death, how can I not think about it? (Plus, Death probably doesn't choose the right, or certain season.) Anyway, I laugh and tell people I never keep my journals too long, just in case something happens to me. I find that to be ridiculous about myself, that I should care what someone sees after I'm gone! When one of my clients said, "I brushed her hair and she took her last breath in my arms," I took a phrase I liked from that book and told her "...it is an enormous privilage to be in the room when someone passes into the next life...it is a deeply spiritual moment..." (I did tell her I read that...) And I think, it's actually the living that's hard. Maybe the struggle for life, the ailments, the disease and pain. Being a burden maybe. Leaving someone behind. The actual passing is probably not so bad for one who knows where he's headed.
And with your final heartbeat, kiss the world goodbye, go in peace and laugh on Glory's side. Fly to Jesus and live...When the time comes, that's what I'll be doing! It's touching and Beautiful.

In studying Isaiah, I am just reminded at the reality of God's judgement when it comes for each person. (What gives me peace is that it will be so just, without favoritism. He sees the heart and mind. Not like us humans who see so little yet manage to do so nevertheless.) No matter how much love, how much patience, how many chances He gives, the stark reality that the one who does not believe will perish. I look constantly at the people around me and these words come to mind:

"...So we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to get there..." -Hebrews 4:1. And, "...You must warn each other every day, as long as it is called "today," so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God." -Hebrews 3:13.

To think, the person right next to me, that I care for, laugh with, a friend even, but someone who has not received Jesus personally may not make it?!! It touches my heart and I just think, ah, if only they would know what I know and have. If only they would accept. I ask myself, what can I do each day? How can I make the slightest difference today? And then I meet others, who are ministering in their own way and I smile to myself, realizing this person I'm talking to is already at work, is trying. Then we talk about it and it's like, 'awesome! you too huh?' There are so many, working, doing what God has called them to do. Next to me. Across the world. It is so beautiful. Because they care and know how important of a matter it is.

I am so excited. All the Christmas festivities! The work party, our 'cousins' get together, Christmas Eve service, and all the relatives coming over to our house on Christmas Day! It is time to celebrate and rejoice!! Food, Laughter, Family and Friends! Even a few gifts and Food. I know I already said that, but food's really important.

One child can change the world

Christmas Morn'

The King of all kings was born

He reigns forevermore

Let us worship and adore

Christ the Lord

(i really got into the songs today. hehe)