Diary? Nothing that I wouldn't tell a client. Not everything that is written pertains to me or my life.
The things I see, hear...the people I talk to, all influence or impact my thoughts. Just saying!

Thursday, October 20, 2011


Focus. Irina, FOCUS.
I had a very hard time focusing after I got back from New York City. I felt like my mind was still there for awhile, but it's wearing off now.
Perspective changes. And for me, I decided I needed to step up a bit. To use more of my abilities, to take opportunities. I've been 'idle' for too long. Like Rowan Atkinson had said in an interview about why it took so many years for his sequel to come out. It was just being idle. (By the way, I think that person would be the coolest to meet! I'd probably giggle a lot!)

I find that there is a fine line between pride and confidence. I feel that you should be aware, confident, yet not proud. And, confidence should not turn into arrogance! That false humility is a way of being proud. Pride in hiding. And so many times they all cross...So what do I do? I step back and assess. Analyze myself. Because that fine line can be crossed rather quickly!
There are people in this world you meet, and you're instantly drawn to them. As if you are like minded. There's an instance recognition, as if you've known each other for longer than you have. As if you understand each other from the moment you meet without having even spoken. I feel like those types of interactions are to be cherished. They are unique yet mind baffling!
And sometimes you meet people that are too much like yourself, and it clashes. That is mind baffling as well!
I find it interesting that 'knowledge' and 'wisdom' can not be measured physically. How can anyone truly know how much one knows. When you look at a person, their head, how impossible it is to measure how much it can store. How much capacity is there?

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Here is a string of (some)thoughts I extracted, from the last few months of daily postings, in random order. I should have expanded on some, but my 'idleness' gets the best of me. (hehe)

~Biggest pet peeve of 'this time'? When people go about finding out information about me in sneaky ways, or through other people! Ask me to my face, and you'll get more than you asked for. Sums it up pretty well I think ~felt really special and touched. chosen. Favored. ~sometimes i wish i could tell every person i speak to: the things i say are in regards to myself. i apply to myself. it is not that i am trying to 'tell' you something with underlying meaning. ~What is this cycle. never ending cycle. day to day. week to week. year after year. It's all becoming a blur. One day is so much that i completely forget last day before that, and it seems like it flies by, and recent events feel like ancient happenings. yet, it was last week, or a month ago, or just this year! wow.  ~i disappoint myself.~if people were truly what they showed to others ~never understood why people are one way to your face and as soon as there are people around, they change the way they look, treat you...what a sad thing that they care too much about what they look like  to others, than how they treat a person...~who does what for who. who needs acknowledgment. who doesn't get it.~The things that soften someone's heart...~I keep remembering embarrassing things I have done or said. I drive, and start laughing out of shame. I cringe in thought at how I must have sounded or looked at that moment. ~We are to think of others, even if they never think of us. We are to serves others, even if never served. To notice others even if not noticed. ~Our fickle feelings. Emotions. ~What I'm good at? Waiting it out. I can also play dumb, very well! For a long time. I no longer have that desire for everyone to know that get it! That I'm not as dumb as you think I am! It's a funny thing. ~ Sometimes I feel like there is a never ending flow of ideas, inspirations, etc... Like the flow of water at my parent's property, where water never stops coming to the pump. You'd think it would end at some point...yet it flows, and flows...~There is beauty and craft in the art of language. To be able to discern. When to say and how much. When not to say. With friends, family, coworkers, strangers. In relationships, in casual conversation, in teaching, in speaking to a crowd. What to share, what to keep private. I think of this a lot about many aspects. Sometimes people try to get something out of you. How much do you share? What are the reasons behind what you share? That is one reason, I like the phrase, wise as serpents, gentle as doves...To be intriguing enough, funny enough, serious enough, intellectual enough, casual enough. Enough to effect, but not to hurt. Discernment. What a skill. Sad, how sometimes we forget. We don't think that sometimes somethings don't need to be said at a certain point, or to a certain person. We forget how it will affect...~I pass people. I see people. I hear.  And many times it touches my heart. Something will go through my mind and I say a prayer. And I think, this person doesn't even know that someone cares this much. And if I in my human capacity care, about some stranger, how much more does God care! And I believe that the prayers aren't meaningless. They are heard and do have effect! I believe. ~Seems everybody 'tests' everybody. Even your close ones. Sad...~You can't run away from problems. The solution won't be with the new house, the new boyfriend/spouse, more money, better church, better things, more belongings, change of scenery...The solution is in the heart. Only there do things change. And it is possible. It takes work, time, will, God's help, strength. But it is possible. And with that change in you own heart, no matter where you are, where you go, where life takes you, you can change the things around you.~"Are you Irina?! Oh, I thought you had dark hair..."Yes, I am still the same Irina. And I used to have dark hair." ~There are certain looks on people's faces, that need no words. They speak more than words...A brief second, not noticed by many, perhaps. But when you catch that look, you know...you don't need anyone to tell you. You just know. ~So how do you treat the soul next to you? There is nothing more important than humans. Are they like precious jewels or just something replaceable, exchangeable to you? ~I don't think there is anyone as happy and content as me. Just because. Apart from things and people. Just one with God. Anything else will just be a gift. This time is the best in life. And I am enjoying it.
It's a season of peace and calmness. 
No stress. No worry. No fear.
All the glory to God